Brass Friday five: rubbish Christmas presents

You better watch out, you better not cry! Although you might want to once you’ve opened up our stocking of festive delights, otherwise known as the Brass Friday five.

This week we’re talking presents. Rubbish ones. So, if you’re seeking inspiration for what to buy your least favourite nephew or most irritating great auntie this year, take a look at some of the awe-inspiring gifts that an assortment of Brasscals have genuinely been fortunate enough to receive over the years…

1.    A pale blue plastic bag with a pair of green tights inside.
The good thing about this gift is that the bag will double as a handy pooper scooper or snazzy waterproof hat afterwards, making it environmentally sound, as well as thoughtful. Why waste time, and trees, with festive wrapping paper when a blue carrier bag will do?

Don’t be fooled into advertising supermarkets for free however. Pop to the local grocer’s, pick up a banana, apple or any other standard fruit or vegetable of your choice, and receive your complimentary non-branded bag as part of the deal.

Please note: if an onion is selected in favour of an apple or banana, the smell may permeate, resulting in onion-scented tights and rendering the snazzy waterproof hat redundant.

2.    A pen with a clock on it
Ever been writing and wondered what time it was, but couldn’t look at your watch because it was on the same wrist as the hand you write with and would cause you to alter the angle of your hand, resulting in you either a) stopping writing, thus limiting your work output b) doing squiggly writing c) dropping your pen in a flurry of confusion over the amount of small objects you own?

Yes? Then the pen-with-a-clock-on-it is for you. Handily located at the correct angle so you neither need to alter the position of your hand nor stop writing, the timepiece is integral to the writing implement, meaning no more messy clock/watch-related incidents ever again.

3.    Toothpaste
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a reminder to maintain your dental hygiene at Christmas. And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll often resist the temptation of splashing out on little luxuries such as toothpaste, so getting some given is a real treat.

For the special someone in your life, why not give a double bumper gift of washing up liquid as well?
It’s the little things that let them know you care.

4.    A garden gnome
Not such an unusual present, you might think. Perhaps not, if you have a garden. If you don’t have a garden however, it becomes slightly less clear what you might do with a garden gnome, complete with a little garden gnome’s piano.

Perhaps you could place it on the windowsill of your gardenless home and stare wistfully at it as you dream about life with a garden, a garden full of gnomes silently playing a range of miniature musical instruments, perhaps even sporting a wheelbarrow or two!

Ahh, sweet, sweet dreams…

5.   Chocolate body paint and a set of thongs

Someone’s been naughty this year! And hey, what’s wrong with a cheeky little gift from one consenting adult to another?

Nothing. Unless one of the consenting adults is your boyfriend’s mother, and you’re only 19.

Now, every mother wants their children to be happy, but that’s taking things a bit too far. Implying as it does that 1. Your boyfriend’s mother has thought about you and her son having ‘special cuddles’ and 2. She thinks you’re not very good at them and need them spicing up a bit over the festive season.

Still, could be worse. One year I got a ‘sexy Santa babe’ costume from my boyfriend’s Grandad. If you’ve been good, perhaps Santa will slip one in your stocking this year.

Merry Christmas folks!