Brass Friday five: weddings

With the news this week that Wills has finally popped the question to Kate, we thought it was high time for a Brass Friday five celebrating the joining of couples in holy matrimony. In other words, weddings.

To really get into the spirit of things, we suggest your don your best hat, eat lots of cake and get very drunk before dancing to Ice Ice Baby with your Uncle.

Done that? Then you’re ready to enjoy our top five types of wedding:

1.    Barbie and Ken

We’ve all performed marriage ceremonies on our unsuspecting and potentially un-consenting toys as children, but Barbie and Ken come in actual ‘bride’ and ‘groom’ versions, making theirs a truly special union.

I didn’t have many playthings as a child and so was forced to fashion wedding outfits out of kitchen roll for my toy sticks. It wasn’t the same.

2.    Soap weddings

There have been many seminal soap weddings, but I know what you’re thinking, the winner of ‘most romantic soap wedding of all time’ can go to only one fictional couple.

That’s right… Fred and Bev, Corrie 2006.

No, me neither. But apparently poor Fred was killed off before the nuptials commenced, so for that reason, and that reason only, the award will have to go to Neighbours’ Scott and Charlene, aka Kylie and Jason.

3.    Viral weddings

In today’s digital world, an embarrassing Dad dance move at a wedding is no longer restricted to the family photo album – it’s now all over YouTube. Pull off the right moves, and your wedding could make you an internet star.

I attended a wedding that went viral once, but that was due to an unfortunate sneezing incident over the cheese fondue. The less said about that, the better.

4.    Inanimate object weddings

Now, I enjoy a good tower as much as the next person, but I’ve never considered marrying one. Not the case for one brave lady, who decided that theirs was a love too special too hide, and so wed her beloved Eiffel Tower in 2008.

Rumour has it that the bride has been spending a suspicious amount of time with streetlamps and level crossings of late. Well, if you will choose a groom who entertains six million ‘visitors’ per year…

5.    Second Life weddings

If you don’t like the idea of marrying the local tower block but don’t fancy the hassle of a real life wedding either, you could always opt for a virtual wedding instead.

You can have the big white wedding you always dreamed of in a virtual online world and never have to worry about your spouse’s annoying habits, like wet towels on the bed, never doing the washing up, or breathing. Simply get a new one.

Who said romance was dead?